Raising Teens: How to Tend to Your 'Wild Garden' Without Losing Your Mind

Yes, this is possible even when they seem to want nothing to do with you! Let me explain.

One key task of adolescence is developing a sense of self or 'identity' outside of one's immediate family. It can be a terrifying (or terrifyingly annoying) time for both teens and their parents - your teen starts giving you attitude over simple requests, pushing back on rules that used to go unquestioned, or becoming embarrassed of family traditions or activities they once loved dearly. All of these little changes indicate that large shifts that are taking place underneath the surface, shifts in development that are scary and unfamiliar to your teen. Teens crave independence but also need consistent reassurance that you're still in their corner. This back and forth dynamic can feel exhausting, but it’s actually a healthy and necessary part of their development. Just like a garden needs sunshine and rainstorms to grow, teens need space to explore who they are while knowing they have strong roots to return to. Your role isn’t to control their every move but to provide guidance, patience, and the occasional well-timed deep breath as they navigate this messy and dirt-filled, yet beautiful process of becoming their own person.

Have you ever killed a plant that was supposed to be indestructible? It can feel the same raising teens. Many parents have moments where they wonder, "Am I doing this right?", just like that supposedly "indestructible" houseplant that somehow shriveled when you followed each care step exactly according to the instructions. So, we will use the natural world to learn about how to provide 'good enough' conditions for your teen to grow through their successes and their low points knowing that you will be there to nurture them along the way.

Wildflowers are resilient like teens - they grow through what they go through, resilient in the face of worldly stressors.

Make your garden small: Different plants have different needs, but all plants benefit from an environment that is well-protected and aware of what threats are on the outside. In making your garden small, you are focused as the parent on deciding who, what, and where are safe for your teen to be exposed to. Without safety, there is limited opportunity for growth. This isn't suggesting that you pull your teen from all of their activities, take away their phone entirely, and stay at home all hours of the day, but more of a reminder that if the 'plants' around your teen are unhealthy, wilting, or exposing them to negative pesticides, that your teen will be impacted. That being said, plants in the garden thrive when the conditions are right MOST of the time; allowing your teen to make mistakes, learn within new relationships/friendships, and try out new activities is beneficial to their development, even if it might be uncomfortable for all family members at times. Learning through experience shows teens that they are capable of playing a part in growing their own garden plants, along with the  sunlight and shade, freedom and structure, nourishment and pruning that parents provide*.

Watering, Weeding, Pruning, Patience: Garden plants require a lot of care and maintenance - and no two plants are the same! It can be tiring to try to anticipate the plant's needs when it may not even know itself. Some may require extra support and guidance, while others flourish with more independence. It could even change week by week! Just like a gardener must patiently tend to their plants, without agenda or pressure for certain results, parents must provide consistency and routine in caring for teens - offering sunlight and water (love and acceptance), nutrients (wisdom and connection), and sometimes a little pruning (in the form of boundaries and limits) to support your teen's development into a connected, resilient adult. The goal here is not perfection, but connecting to what your teen might be needing and creating a space for them to take root, grow, and bloom in their own way. One important way to nurture your teen on a consistent basis is by creating a ritual or routine check-in time that allows you to get curious about your teen's life. This could be a daily 'Would You Rather?' question at the dinner table, a nightly walk around the neighborhood just you two, or a weekly morning date at their favorite coffee shop before rushing off to school. Asking for your teen's input into rituals of connection might also help them be more receptive to the watering, weeding, and pruning that comes with parenting.

Grow towards the light: Sunflowers are given their name because their faces follow the sun throughout the day. They literally spend all of their time looking at the light, instinctively seeking what helps them grow. Similarly, teens are constantly looking for guidance, connection, and support, even when it seems like they’re turning away. As a parent, you were the first light to your sunflower, and it is beneficial to your teen, no matter how grumpy they are, to be a steady, reliable source of light they can always return to. Encourage them to grow towards positive friendships, extracurriculars, standing up for missions they believe in, and find other 'lights' in their life that give them joy, purpose, and meaning. Focusing on being a secure presence for your teen, even if there are negatives lingering in the background, helps reinforce their sense of security and self-worth. Just like a sunflower thrives with consistent sunlight, your teen flourishes when they feel seen, valued, and supported. Providing some light (i.e., comedic relief, problem-solving abilities, a shoulder to cry on, an open invitation to bake something together, etc.) shows your teen that you see and value their learning process, and that you're not going anywhere when things feel hard.

Storms have their place: As much as we love the sunshine, nothing grows without a good storm every now and then. It might be tempting to shield your teen from every challenge, meltdown, or messy mistake, but just like a garden needs rain to strengthen its roots, teens need to weather emotional storms to build resilience. Yes, storms can be uncomfortable (for both of you), and sometimes they roll in out of nowhere - one minute, your teen is chatting about their favorite TV show, and the next, they’re fuming over a tiny comment about their homework. But here’s the thing: storms don’t just bring chaos, they are opportunities for release, growth, and renewal. Think about it this way - after a heavy rain, plants don’t just survive; they often come back greener, stronger, and more vibrant. Your teen is the same way. Frustration, tears, and slammed doors aren’t just signs of rebellion or defiance; they’re proof that your teen is learning how to process emotions, advocate for themselves, and figure out what they believe. Your job isn’t to chase away every storm but to stand firm, stay present, and remind them that the sun will come back. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is let them feel what they feel while offering a steady, reassuring presence - not fixing the problem, but simply being with them in their hurts.  A strong plant isn’t one that never faces storms; it’s one that learns to bend without breaking.

Creating 'good dirt': Have you ever gone outside and touched dirt just because? Some dirt is crumbly and dry, while other dirt is rich, dark, and full of worms. I don't know about you, but I much prefer to stick my hand in dirt that is soft and malleable, with the occasional worm jump scare. Good dirt is made deep within the ground - including nutrients, live creatures, and other plants that have helped keep the dirt alive and healthy. When you as a parent prioritize your own wellbeing and tend to your own dirt, through self-care practices (like exercise, engaging in a loved hobby, or taking meaningful time for yourself), boundary setting, maintaining your own friendships, or just taking a few deep breaths before responding to their latest eye roll, your teen is noticing. Through something as simple as living your own life with purpose, intention, and grace, you are showing your teen how you navigate stress, how you treat themselves, and how to handle relationships through your actions. Healthy soil doesn’t just happen; it’s built over time, through consistent care. When you model emotional regulation, self-compassion, and connection with others, you’re showing your teen what it looks like to nurture their own mental and emotional health. And here’s the best part - you and your teen are teammates in tending to the family garden. Yes, they may push back, test limits, or seem like they want nothing to do with you some days, but deep down, they need to know you’re in it together. Creating good dirt means fostering an environment where they feel safe, valued, and supported - not just when they’re thriving, but also when they’re struggling. Tilling your own soil doesn’t just nourish you—it shapes the ground your teen grows from, helping them take root, stand tall, and weather life's storms when they come.

The natural world has so much wisdom to share and your role as a parent is to keep tending, keep nurturing, and keep showing up, even when your teen seems thorny, angsty, or rejecting your attempts at connection. And let’s be honest, sometimes, despite all the care and attention, things still get messy. Leaves droop, petals fall, and you might find yourself questioning everything. But just like in gardening, growth isn’t always visible in the moment. It is always okay to seek out a specialized teen or family therapist to support your family garden and help your teen thrive in difficult times. Remember, even the most beautiful gardens need occasional help to flourish, so don’t hesitate to reach out for support, knowing that with time and care, your teen will grow stronger and gain the skills to become resilient and regulated.

*If your teen is engaging in risky and dangerous behaviors, establishing safety is critical. Contact 911 or a mental health specialist for support and options when your teen's behavior is out of control, harmful to themselves or others, or unsafe.