The Power of Failure in Teen Development: A Guide for Parents

abbiebalat1
Sep 18
4 min read

I recently had the privilege of presenting to parents during a local high school’s Suicide Prevention Week. It felt really special to be invited into that space, where we could open a dialogue about the concept of failure, how it shows up in the lives of teens, and how parents can use hard moments as moments of connection. Parents often carry so much worry when their child stumbles, and it was powerful to reframe those moments not as setbacks, but as opportunities for growth, resilience, and deeper connection. I've attached my presentation below as a reference point. Feel free to check it out, I even shared a little about my own history and relationship with failure, providing examples from my own life (thank you for the patience in teaching me how to drive AND drive responsibly mom and dad!).

Parenting through adolescence can feel a lot like riding shotgun while your teen drives for the first time: you can guide, encourage, and set limits — but you can’t fully control the wheel. Just like driving, growing up involves risks, mistakes, and detours. And while our instinct as parents is often to prevent failure at all costs, research shows that failure is the very terrain where the teenage brain builds resilience, confidence, and problem-solving skills (Siegel, 2014; Jensen & Nutt, 2015).

Why Teens “Drive Differently”

The adolescent brain is still under construction. The prefrontal cortex, the braking system for judgment and planning, develops slowly, while the brain’s emotional and reward systems are in overdrive.

This leads to what Dr. Daniel Siegel (2014) calls the ESSENCE traits:

Emotional Spark (what is exciting for the senses)
Social Engagement (what is exciting about the people around them)
Novelty Seeking (finding new ways of connecting, acting, or experiencing the world)
Creative Exploration (finding new ways of communicating ideas or showing one's perspective)

From a parent’s perspective, this can look like swerving or risk-taking or it can be a wonderful, positive opportunity to connect in safe ways (think, newfound interest in rollerskating, going to music festivals, or another activity that can be shared between you and your teen). Regardless of the danger involved, from your teen’s perspective, the logic often feels sound, a phenomenon Siegel calls hyper-rationality, where decisions seem logical in the moment but miss the bigger picture.

The Purpose of Risk and Failure in Teens

Picture your teen clipping the curb during a driving lesson. It’s practice that may feel unsafe, but provides an opportunity for connected correction. In the same way, when teens “fail” socially, academically, or emotionally, they are practicing the art of learning limits, integrating emotion with logic, and building resilience. Neuroscience confirms that repeated trial, error, and adjustment literally strengthens neural pathways for better decision-making (Jensen & Nutt, 2015), meaning that this is all part of the process, there's no avoiding it!

Guilt vs. Shame: The Passenger’s Role

When your teen makes a wrong turn, your response matters.

Guilt says: “I made a mistake.” This motivates growth.
Shame says: “I am a mistake.” This fuels secrecy and hopelessness.

Parents can help teens separate guilt from shame by responding with empathy and modeling self-compassion. Siegel (2014) describes this as integration: weaving together emotion, logic, and relationships in a way that considers all elements as important. Integration helps the brain organize experiences so failure becomes a teacher instead of a burden to bear alone.

Driving Tips for the Road Ahead

Many parents wonder where to start. Here are a few ideas for how to slow down, name what your child may be feeling, and connect before launching into problem-solving mode.

Model Vulnerability: Share your own “bad driving moments” and lessons learned.
Support, Don’t Rescue: Let natural consequences unfold when safe.
Connect, Then Correct: Lead with empathy before problem-solving.
Structure with Empowerment: Provide clear boundaries while honoring growing independence.

Remember that your role is to be an active passenger, guiding the driver through your own lived experiences, allowing them to make their mistakes, and providing the guard-rails for the driver to bump into before releasing them on the highway.

A Family “Failure Toolkit”

Think of these tools like items in the glovebox, handy when the ride gets rough:

Reflective Journaling: Prompts like “What I tried and what I learned” can help you gain more context into how your teen sees themselves and their actions
Creative Arts: Drawing a “failure map” or writing a letter to a past self can help build reflection skills while externalizing emotional experiences that might feel more vulnerable.
Family Debriefs: Weekly “Roses, Buds, and Thorns” (successes, hopes, challenges) normalize reflection and build positive familial connection, one check-in at a time!

It's totally normal for your teen to resist something like this, that's their brains at work. I encourage you to focus on small moments of connection on the way to reaching the greater goal when it comes to teens, behavior, and their desire for autonomy.

Remember...

Driving with your teen will always involve bumps and wrong turns. But with connection, compassion, and structure, those failures aren't getting in the way of success, but instead become practice grounds for resilience and growth.

If you have a teen and want support navigating challenges, growth, or setbacks, I’d be happy to connect and talk about how therapy can help. Click here to get in contact with me and learn more about my approach!