“Be Curious, Not Judgmental”: A Ted Lasso Lesson in Emotional Connection
- abbiebalat1
- 2 days ago
- 4 min read
Finding Comfort and Wisdom in Ted Lasso
When COVID-19 hit full force, Ted Lasso (on AppleTV+) became a comfort show for me and many others in my circle. For those who haven’t seen it (and I highly recommend that you do!), the writing does a brilliant job of making the viewer feel deeply connected to a quirky, wonderfully complex cast of characters.
The series centers on Ted Lasso, an American college football coach hired to lead an English Premier League soccer team. Each character’s journey varies based on their lived experience, motivations, and capacity for change.
Without giving too much away, there is a powerful scene where Ted and Rupert, a vindictive former team owner, play a high-stakes game of darts. Just before his final throw, Ted shares:
“Guys have underestimated me my entire life and for years I never understood why – it used to really bother me. Then one day I was driving my little boy to school, and I saw a quote by Walt Whitman, it was painted on the wall there and it said, ‘Be curious, not judgmental.’ I like that.”
“...All them fellas that used to belittle me, not a single one of them was curious. You know, they thought they had everything all figured out, so they judged everything, and they judged everyone. And I realized that their underestimating me – who I was had nothing to do with it. Because if they were curious, they would’ve asked questions. Questions like, ‘Have you played a lot of darts, Ted?’”
“To which I would have answered, ‘Yes sir. Every Sunday afternoon at a sports bar with my father from age ten until I was 16 when he passed away.’”
This scene is a mic-drop moment. It sums up Ted's approach to people, and it offers a powerful parenting takeaway: Curiosity is the gateway to connection.
What Does Curiosity Look Like in Parenting?
Let’s walk through two versions of a very real parenting moment:
Scenario 1: Responding with Judgment
Your teen walks in, throws their backpack down, shoes fly across the kitchen, and they slam the door to their room without a word.
You storm in: “Why are you being so disrespectful right now? Fix your attitude!”
They yell back: “Whatever! You’re not the boss of me!”
Now you're both escalated. The door remains closed—literally and emotionally.
Scenario 2: Responding with Curiosity
Same stormy entrance. But this time, you pause. You take a deep breath. When you feel more grounded, you knock and say: “Is it okay if I come in?”
They grunt. You sit on the bed: “I've noticed that you’ve seemed upset lately when you get home. What’s been going on at school that’s making you so angry?”
This doesn’t guarantee an immediate heart-to-heart. But it lays the foundation for trust. It communicates: I'm with you, not against you.
The Power of Open vs. Closed Questions
In the Ted Lasso scene, Rupert asks, “Do you like darts?” Ted responds: “They're okay.” A closed question gets a closed answer.
If Rupert had asked, “How much experience do you have with darts?” he might've learned about Ted's deep connection to the game.
Closed Questions (Limited Insight)
Did something happen today?
Are you upset?
Was it your friend?
Open Questions (Invites Story)
What happened at school today that threw you off?
When did things start to feel hard?
What are you needing right now?
Closed questions have their place, but when connection and correction are concerned, open-ended questions open emotional doors.
When "Why" Can Feel Like Judgment
"Why" questions can be tricky. Even when well-meaning, they can sound accusatory:
“Why are you acting like this?”
“Why can't you just calm down?”
Teens, especially when overwhelmed, often don’t have the language or logic to answer "why." The thinking brain is offline when emotions take over.
Instead, try reframing like this:
“What’s been creating these big reactions lately?”
“Help me understand what’s going on.”
“How can I help you feel less alone?”
These phrasing shifts alone lower defenses and sets the foundation of building trust when your teen is going through a tough moment.
Behavior as Communication: What Is Your Teen Really Telling You?
When an adolescent slams a door, shuts down, or lashes out, it’s not about the behavior. It’s about the message underneath.
In therapy, we say: All behavior is communication.
A slammed door may say, “I’m overwhelmed.”
Withdrawal might mean, “I feel rejected.”
Outbursts can reflect a nervous system in distress.
Think of behavior like a dashboard warning light. The light isn't the problem—it's a signal. If you smash the light, the engine doesn't get better. But if you pause and investigate, you might find out what your teen really needs.
Curiosity Sounds Like:
“That seemed like a big reaction. What was going on in your body?”
“You’ve been quiet lately. Want to share what’s been weighing on you?”
“I noticed you skipped dinner. Want to talk about your day together?”
Over time, curiosity creates safety. Safety builds trust. And trust leads to emotional growth and healing.
Takeaways for Parents: From Fixing to Understanding
Pause before reacting. Regulate yourself first.
Ask open questions that invite reflection.
Avoid "why" in emotionally charged moments.
Don’t try to fix—try to notice and name instead.
Be the calm your teen can borrow.
Remember: Curiosity is more powerful than control.
Ted Lasso may be fictional, but his words are deeply human. In the hard moments of parenting (and let's be real, these principles apply to all kinds of relationships!), curiosity offers something judgment never can: the chance to truly know and see the person struggling.
What might shift in your relationship if you got just 10% more curious today?
If your family is struggling to stay connected, navigating big emotions that leave everyone overwhelmed, or simply seeking a safe space to grow and heal together—I'm here to help!